What Is Disappointment?
No one can escape feeling disappointment and childhood seems ripe for the experience. We have all felt it but was it the official definition of this familiar feeling? Disappointment is to fail to meet the expectation or hope of: frustrate" (Merriam-Webster dictionary) or "sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one's hopes or expectations" (Oxford Languages). Everyone feels disappointment and childhood seems ripe for the experience.
The Role of Disappointment in the Lives of Children
Notice the use of "frustration", "sadness", and "displeasure" in the definitions of disappointment. When we think of the emotional lives of children these three feelings are big players in a child's day to day life challenges. Just think about these common scenarios--When a child can't go outside to play because it's raining heavily or when he really wants 5 toppings on his ice cream but 2 is the limit or when she is told she can't watch videos on her tablet. These and similar scenarios are a daily occurrence for children, so naturally learning to deal with disappointment is an important part of developing the ability to effectively cope with life's frustrations. And as you can imagine, coping effectively with life's frustrations has an impact on overall emotional and behavioral well-being.
Who Helps Children Manage Disappointment?
It should be no surprise that adults including parents, relatives, teachers, coaches, etc. all have a significant role in modeling and supporting healthy ways to tolerate and manage disappointment. In particular parents have an important role in validating their child's emotions and teaching emotional coping strategies for healthy emotional regulation (Marie 2022).
Disappointment and Emotional Regulation
Children are not born with the ability to regulate emotions but learn this skill from their parents and caregivers. The quality and consistency of parent responding is how the learning begins in infancy and extends throughout childhood (Thompson 1994; Power 2004).
It is also important to understand that some children feel emotions much more deeply than the average child which can lead seemingly small disappointments to feel very big (Lovering 2022). In my experience and that of other therapist, the majority of children who are brought to therapy are children who struggle with feeling more deeply and with regulating these deep emotions. In an article on highly sensitive children, Claire Lerner, LCSW-C acknowledges that the deep feelings and more intense inner emotional life of highly sensitive children often leads to difficulties related to adapting to challenges and limits (Lerner 2022). Similarly Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D. discusses the typical traits of the highly sensitive child and emphasizes the importance of parents, teachers and therapist in supporting the emotional regulation needs of these children (Guarnotta 2023).
Tackling Disappointment in Therapy Sessions
As a psychologist and therapist who works with "deep feelers" and highly sensitive children, managing disappointment is an important topic to tackle. That is why I have found the best strategies and supporting activities to turn to when helping children in my practice and now I am sharing them with you.
Let's Start with Books about Disappointment
Using books in therapy or bibliotherapy is a fantastic way to present therapeutic concepts to children, encourage self-awareness and perspective-taking and provide validation of their feelings and experiences. Here are some I like to use when working with my child clients.
Get Unstuck from Disappointment (Kids Can Cope) by Gill Hasson (Author), Sarah Jennings (Illustrator)
This children's book validates the challenge of managing disappointment and the tough emotions that come with it such as sadness, upset, anger and feeling let down. I like how this book presents a variety of common disappointing situations for children accompanied by colorful illustrations of each situation. "Get Unstuck from Disappointment" emphasizes self-care by encouraging children to notice when they need to take a break. It is geared towards elementary-aged children and guides the reader in perspective-taking, cognitive-based coping strategies and behavioral-action based strategies including these concepts:
-Think and do things differently
-Say “well done” to the winners
-Keep on trying
-Have a Plan B
-Feel gratitude for what you have
https://www.amazon.com/Get-Unstuck-Disappointment-Kids-Cope/dp/1631986155/
Disappointed Ninja: A Social, Emotional Children’s Book About Good Sportsmanship and Dealing with Disappointment (Ninja Life Hacks) by Mary Nhin
This book which is written for ages 3-11 and covers disappointment related to sportsmanship, being a sore loser, and anger related to losing. It emphasizes disappointment as a natural emotion for everyone. I like how the book's Ninja character talks about the trouble he has had with feeling disappointment and anger during common sporting and game situations. Ninja teaches children several good sportsmanship strategies to use including:
-Learn from mistakes and try again.
-Always give your best.
-If someone else makes a mistake, remain encouraging and avoid criticizing.
-Show respect for yourself, your team, and the opponent.
-Life is tough, but so are you!
https://www.amazon.com/Disappointed-Ninja-Emotional-Sportsmanship-Disappointment/dp/1637312350/
When I'm Feeling Disappointed by Trace Moroney
This book is geared towards younger children and children who may need to strengthen their emotional identification and awareness skills with a more simple presentation. One key concept of the book is that "feeling disappointed is your brain realizing how things really are…NOT how you wished they were". This book uses colorful metaphors and descriptions to promote emotional identification and awareness. It also provides cognitive behavioral strategies suited for young children including visualization and positive self-statements . The book uniquely features a page of parents' notes written by a child psychologist. https://www.amazon.com/When-Im-Feeling-Disappointed-Feelings/dp/1760409588/
Disappointment is a Wave by Lauren Martin
A picture book appropriate for even young children that uses metaphor and effective illustrations to teach cognitive coping. The story encourages children to focus on what they can control. I love the wave metaphor as is a fantastic visual way to teach therapeutic concepts like DBT's distress tolerance concept and CBT's mindfulness concept to children. Both concepts acknowledge the ebb and flow of emotions and the use of strategies to manage times of discomfort. https://www.amazon.com/Disappointment-Wave-Emotion-Lauren-Martin-ebook/dp/B0BC6HXMS2/.
Hearing from Other Professionals through Blog Articles
Disappointment was pervasive during the 2020 pandemic. Consequently many professionals wrote on this topic in support of parents and children. Here are two poignant blog articles which include strategies.
The Therapist Parent.com has a great article explaining important ways that parents and caregivers can help children experience disappointment, learn how to cope with it effectively, and become more resilient. See the article's discussion of these 5 important strategies: "Validate the Feeling and Wait, Share Similar Experiences, Praise the Effort, Come Up With A Plan, Role Model Disappointment" (https://www.thetherapistparent.com/post/helping-kids-through-disappointment).
In her article, "Helping Our Kids Master Disappointment", Maggie Dent a popular Australian parenting author and educator encourages having children experience many typical disappointments instead of shielding them or distracting them. She shares the idea of helping children become the architect of their own emotional constructs and she emphasizes how neural pathways will be created as children develop tolerance and coping skills. Check out her article for the full details and her tips for building disappointment tolerance in children (https://www.maggiedent.com/blog/helping-our-kids-master-disappointment/).
Activities
I love using activities and play to bring a therapeutic concept to life and as a means to solidify the concept in the minds of my child clients. Here are some fun and visual ideas including one of my own.
Centervention.com offers "Dealing with Disappointment Lesson and Printable" which provides situation prompts and reflection questions with a visual worksheet to write on https://www.centervention.com/dealing-with-disappointment-lesson-and-printable/
"Riding the Wave of Disappointment" activity pairs beautifully with the book, "Disappointment is a Wave" mentioned above. The activity uses a visual to extend the concept that emotions ebb and flow, peak and fall, that is they don't last indefinitely but instead shift and change--especially the intense ones. This activity involves identifying a circumstance that led to disappointment, identifying any accompanying intense emotions and identifying coping strategies to help "ride the wave". https://cleverpsych.net/cleverpsych.co/downloads/Riding%20the%20Wave%20of%20Disappointment.pdf
If you are interested in a more lengthy activity that involves more prompts Teachers Pay Teachers has a great social story lesson on disappointment for purchase (under $5). The activity includes a social story game and printable activity sheets. A preview is available at the link below.
References
Guarnotta, E. (2023, October 17). Understanding the Highly Sensitive Child. Choosingtherapy.com. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/highly-sensitive-child/
Lerner, C. (2022, February 21). 10 Traits of Highly Sensitive Children. Psychologytoday.com. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/zero-six/202202/10-traits-highly-sensitive-children
Lovering, N. (2022, March 31). Are You a ‘Deep Feeler?’ What It Means and Tips that May Help. Psychcentral.com. https://psychcentral.com/blog/do-you-feel-emotions-deeply-these-tips-might-help
Marie, S. (2022, June 23). The Importance of Validating Your Child's Feelings. Psychcentral.com. https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-powerful-parenting-tool-of-validation#why-its-important
Power, TG. (2004). Stress and coping in childhood: the parents’ role. Parenting: Science and Practice. 4(4):271–317.
DOI: 10.1207/s15327922par0404_1
Thompson, R. A. (1994). Emotion regulation: A theme in search of definition. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 59(2-3), 25–52, 250–283. https://doi.org/10.2307/1166137